Currently Untitled WIP
Takes place after S5 when Sam jumps into the hole. Sorry if I repeat myself, it’s late and I’ve been working on it too long.
“Dean? Dean are you still with me?” asked Jo her voice shaking.
Dean could only stare at her. He had no idea how he felt right now. The best he could define it was that he seemed to be experiencing a mixture of pure happiness and utter terror enough to rival hunting the devil.
“Jo, I don’t know how to be a Dad!” looking at her with pleading eyes. She had to understand that he was in over his head which was rare for Dean. He didn’t like feeling unprepared or out of his depth. But this was clearly a road he had not travelled down before.
“Dean, calm down okay.” Jo said as she touched his arm. He relaxed a little at her touch. If Jo wasn’t freaking out then maybe it wasn’t as bad as he thought.
No, it was.
“Jo, I’m not that guy. I can’t be that guy. I wan’t to be but I can’t. I don’t know how!” his voice cracked. He was losing his cool, calm bravado that he always maintained in crisis with every second that ticked by.
“Dean you can do this. You’ve done it before.” said Jo, still in that annoyingly calm soothing tone.
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“With Sam.” She said quietly.
Dean closed his eyes, trying to shut out the image of the earth swallowing his brother whole.
“Jo that’s different, Dad was…”
“John was out hunting most of the time. From what you’ve told me you’ve been more of a father to Sam then he was. Don’t look at me like that” she said as Dean threw her a dark look.
“What I mean is that you were always there for Sam. Since he was six months old, you were there. You’re Dad was a great man but it was always you.” She touched his cheek softly.
“Besides, I’ll be there too.” She said with an encouraging smile.
“Jo” he whispered not knowing how to explain. She kind of had a point he guessed. He always thought looking out for Sam was his job. He didn’t think about it, he just did it. His Dad didn’t even have to tell him to. He never really stepped back looked at it the way she just explained.
“Dean if you don’t want this baby I understand but”
“What!” said Dean cutting her off. “Of course I want it!”
“Are you sure?”
“Jo, I love you and even though you’re the biggest pain in my ass I would never want anyone else. This…this baby is, well it’s a shock but I’m happy. I am, really.” He tried to smile but he was terrified and it must have showed.
“Well, well, well. Who knew that Dean Winchester is afraid of tiny, little innocent babies” she smirked wiggling her eyebrows at him.
He smiled at Jo and kissed her deeply. Happiness surged through him and he picked her up and swung her around.
She broke the kiss and gasped “Dean!” laughing. “Put me down!”.
He did what she asked still looking into her eyes.
“I’m gonna be a Dad” he whispered resting his forehead on hers.
“Yes you are Winchester”.
“Do we really need all these books?” asked Dean for the third time.
They had just exited a bookstore in the little town they were working a job in. Much to Jo’s protest she wasn’t technically ‘on the job with them’ because of her ‘condition’ as Dean put it. She would have put up more of a fight but she knew he meant well. He was only trying to keep her safe.
“Yes” replied Jo annoyance colouring her tone. “When we don’t know what to do, the books will come in handy. We need all the help we can get”
“I agree with you there” Dean chuckled.
“I want it to be a surprise too”
“Want what to be a surprise?” asked Dean turning to look at her puzzled.
“The sex of the baby Dean. I want it to be a surprise”
“Awh come on Jo, you don’t really think that you can wait that long?” Dean scoffed.
“Yes and so can you” she smirked.
Dean looked at her and raised his eyebrows. “Like hell I am! I wanna know asap, I’m not waiting”.
“Yes you are Winchester” said Jo with a suspicious look on her face that always made Dean squirm.
“What makes you think I won’t call the doctor myself”
“Because” she breathed stepping closer to him and enveloping him in a deep, soft kiss.
She knotted her hands around his neck while he enthusiastically wrapped his arms around her.
She pulled away too soon for Dean’s liking.
“Because I said so” giving Dean that look that he knew all too well and sashayed her way back to the Impala.
“Damn she’s good” smirked Dean.
He looked into her big brown eyes, the same shade as her mothers, and felt his heart break. How was he supposed to do this alone?
He wasn’t a father, he was a hunter, he wasn’t bred for this. Jo was supposed to be here to teach him. Hadn’t she said she would be there to help him..
**** God’s Gonna Cut You Down - Johnny Cash
“I’m sorry Mr Winchester, there’s nothing we can do.”
“What? What do you mean there’s nothing you can do? You are a doctor aren’t you?” asked Dean getting mad now. They had to be wrong. There had to be something. There had to be.
The doctor gave Dean a look that scared him more than anything.
“I’m sorry” he grasped Dean’s shoulder and then walked away.
The world was spinning, his vision blurred. He staggered and fell to the ground. He buried his face in his hands.
This can’t be happening he thought. Not again.
**** Case Of You - Joni Mitchell, Permanent - David Cook, White Blank Page - Mumford and Sons, I Gave You All - Mumford and Sons, Don’t Take The Girl - Tim McGraw
“Jo don’t please, don’t…”
“Dean make sure she goes to school and gets an education and finds the right guy and is happy.”
“Jo …no…” Dean’s voice cracked.
“Make sure she know’s who Zeppelin and The Beatles are, only classic rock.” She grinned. “Teach her to hunt but Dean make sure she’s a kid too.”
Jo looked at Dean in his big green eyes that were welled with tears and she took another unsteady breath. She was fading he could see it.
“Dean you can do this okay… I know you can. She’s our little girl and I’m so sorry I won’t be there baby. I’m so sorry”
“No” was all he could say.
“Bring her closer Dean” he obliged. Jo kissed her baby girl on the forehead as a lone tear slid down her face.
Dean choked back a sob. Jo stroked her face, the little girl looked straight into her eyes.
“Be a good girl for your Daddy you hear” she chuckled.
“Call her Samantha, because she’s going to be just as smart as Sam was, you’ll always have a reminder…” Her breathing was slowing, she was fading.
“Jo don’t leave me, please” he begged.
“You take care of that little girl or I swear I’ll haunt your ass” she smiled weakly.
“Jo” Dean cried.
“Promise me Dean” she pleaded.
“I promise” he gasped.
“I love you Dean Winchester.” She said squeezing his hand.
“I love you too Joanna Beth” kissing her forehead.
Dean looked into her eyes and their lips met, soft and slow for what was going to be the last time. Dean tried to burn into his memory the taste and feel of her mouth on his.
“You can do this Dean” she whispered.
She smiled at the both of them “I love you” she closed her eyes, her grip on his hand slackened and then she was gone.
“Jo..no…please”. He begged. Dean’s heart was shattering into a thousand pieces. He couldn’t bare to see her like this. He was never going feel the same again. He held his little girl close.
“Jo” he sobbed.
He couldn’t take it anymore. He handed his little girl to the nurse and threw himself out of the room. Dean stormed out of the hospital doors. Tears streaming down his face. Staggering through the parking lot until he couldn’t walk anymore and sank to his knees.
He wanted to die.
He didn’t want to feel this pain anymore, he couldn’t handle losing another person who he loved.
He didn’t want to be here. He didn’t want to feel anymore.
“Why!” He screamed to the Heavens.
“After everything I’ve done! After everything I’ve given, you had to take her too! What the fuck did I do to deserve this! I’ve gave you bastards everything! I did everything you asked!”
“Take me instead! TAKE ME!!!” he screamed to the deserted lot.
He punched the ground and winced.
“What getting rid of the Devil wasn’t enough? Taking Sammy wasn’t enough?”
He thought of pulling out his .45 and blowing his brains all over this parking lot just to stop the agony coursing through his veins. But before he could reach for it he remembered he had a little girl to protect now. A little baby girl that he and Jo made, it was a piece of her, the only thing left of her, his wife.
They had both looked forward to seeing their baby girl, they had waited so long. Jo was so excited and if she couldn’t be here to watch her grow up, if she couldn’t be here to be her mother than he couldn’t very well leave her to be without a mother and a father.
He promised Jo he’d take care of her, promised to protect her.
He promised, just like he promised Sam.
Dean Winchester was nothing if not a man of his word.
After a few minutes he wiped away the tears and took a deep breath, picked himself up off the ground and walked back inside.
His daughter had been returned to the nursery. He picked her up. She was beautiful. He had never seen something so beautiful besides her mother. She was everything he wanted and more, everything they had dreamed about.
The longer he looked at her the better he felt. Every breath she took made the agony ebb slightly. The pain would always be there he knew, but she helped him breathe.
Before she was 6 months old Dean acquired a pentagram necklace, a protection symbol for his daughters neck, never to be taken off.
The room in which he and her slept had a large devils trap painted underneath the carpet.
Those first few months were hard, he had nightmares of demons trying to steal her away from him, or Striga’s trying to suck the life out of her.
But when he woke up and checked on her she was sleeping soundly like a perfect little angel. He chuckled to himself, maybe he needed to come up with a reference other than angel, because they were a bunch of dicks with wings.
Her lips left his, she was unwrapping herself from him and walking away. The feel of her soft skin remained on his fingers, her sweet smell lingered in the air.
“Jo wait!” he called after her.
She blew him a kiss, turned and disappeared.
Dean woke suddenly by the wail of his baby girl. It was just another dream. Sighing he threw off the blankets and padded over to her crib, picked her up and held her close to him. He inhaled her ‘baby smell’ and gently rocked her back and forth trying to calm her.
How was he supposed to get over this when she visited him every night in his dreams. She was everywhere he looked. Even now in the face of his little girl. She had her nose and lips and stubbornness already.
“Shhh it’s okay…Daddy’s here baby girl” whispered Dean kissing her forehead.
He held her, shifting his weight back and forth, rocking her gently just the way she liked.
“Hey Jude don’t make it bad” he sang.
“Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better”.
She started to settle with the sound of Dean’s voice. He smirked to himself. He was getting the hang of this. Jo said he would but at the time he didn’t believe her.
She’d stopped crying now. She was just looking at him with her big brown eyes, so much like her mothers. Maybe she had the same dream as he did?
Maybe she dreamt of her mother too?
Did she watch her walk away out of her life again and again every night like Dean did?.
Is that what woke her?
Her eyes with those impossibly long eyelashes drooped and she was asleep again within minutes. He looked down at his daughter. He didn’t imagine he could love something so much not even the Impala. She was so tiny and reminded her everyday of her mother. All he wanted to do was protect her from all the evil he knew was out of there. He would not forgive himself if anything ever happened to her. She was all he had left now. The only ray of sunshine in the dark world that was his reality.
There were times when he was on the road with his baby girl in the back seat when he thought about Jo and Sam and his Mom and Dad. All these people he lost. How was it possible that all of this grief happened to him? Hadn’t he saved enough people, got some good Karma from somewhere?
Then his little girl would squirm or cough in her sleep, he’d look in the rearview mirror and see her. He realised, that was his gift, he got to have her. All the love and family he had in his life had been ripped away from him and it hurt, it hurt like hell everyday. But then he’d look at his little girl and it was all worth it. She was perfect.
She looked so much like her mother. The looks she gave him sometimes. Spitting image.
It was worth it he told himself. He had to keep driving, keep pushing on for the little girl in the backseat of the Impala.
*** Turn The Page - Bob Seger and The Silver Bullet Band
‘On a long and lonesome highway….’
Dean was driving the Impala down some back road with his baby girl in the back seat and Bob Seger’s voice was coming out of the speakers.
‘Here I am, on the road again…’
She was sleeping in her car seat, something Dean never thought he’d see inside the Impala.
He looked at her in the rear view mirror. She looked so peaceful. Her little chest rising and falling as she breathed. The engine purred. She slept the best when they rode around in the Impala. He guessed she felt safe there. Just like Dean did.
He smiled to himself.
He looked out the windshield at the stars, it was a clear night. He was reminded of the times when he and Sam would sit on the hood of the Impala and just watch the stars. Then he was seized by an idea. He pulled off at the next road and found a clearing not long after that.
He pulled the Impala to a stop and hopped out. She woke when the engine cut out and started to cry.
Dean opened the door and picked her up, rocking her back and forth to calm her. “Hey shh shhh shhh…. it’s ok” soothing her. She settled quite quickly in his arms.
“So listen I thought I’d tell you a little story darlin.” He sat on the hood of the Impala with her cradled in his arms. She looked at him with her big brown eyes and blinked as if she was waiting for him to continue. She looked so much like her mother sometimes. A lot of the time actually.
“I used to do this with your Uncle Sam you know. When we were between cases sometimes. When it was clear like this we would drive until we found somewhere open and just sit…” he heaved a deep sigh. These memories were hard. “Sometimes we’d just sit and watch the stars. Yeh I know what you’re thinkin ‘Jeez Dad what kind of woosy are you… lookin at stars pfft’ ” He chuckled to himself.
“But it was nice. We didn’t have to talk about anything we would just sit and listen to the wind in the trees, the sound of the birds and the sky was just so clear.” He looked up at the sky breathing in the warm balmy night, the stars spread across the sky like twinkling diamonds. “You’re Momma would have liked this. I should have done this with her when I had the chance.” He sniffed as a lone tear slid down his cheek.
Dean choked back a sob. “I miss her sweetheart, I really do.” He looked back down at his daughter. She was holding onto his finger with surprising strength and staring at it as if it was the most fascinating thing in the world. He smiled and kissed her on the forehead.
There they sat for a while. The soft cooing sounds from his daughter was the only noise breaking the silence of the night.
“Yes sweetheart?” his southern drawl leaking through.
“Why do you get funny lines on your face when you kiss me here” she touched her forehead with her little hand.
Dean sucked in a breathe. She didn’t miss a thing.
“Well because sweetheart I used to kiss your Momma there sometimes. She liked it when Daddy kissed her right there” pointing to the place between her eyes. Her eyes followed his finger making her go crossed eyed.
He chuckled. She smiled at the sound but then frowned.
“But why does dat make you sad face Daddy?”
Dean smiled at her, his heart breaking. “Because Daddy misses your Momma very much and you remind me a lot of her”.
She looked deep into Dean’s eyes a crease forming between her eyes and her smile drooped into a frown.
“I don’t wanna make Daddy sad” her lip quivered.
“Oh baby no! I love that you remind me of you Momma” He smiled at her to show her he meant it.
He pulled her into his arms. “Sammy, you could never make Daddy ‘sad face’. I love you okay.” He tickled her.
“Love vou too Daddy” she smiled at him just like her mother used to.
He and Samantha were driving together in the Impala one afternoon and ‘Can’t Fight This Feeling’ by REO Speedwagon came on the radio. Dean smiled and laughed.
He didn’t reply he just pulled the car over, turned it up loud and started singing at the top of his lungs much to the delight of his daughter who laughed and clapped her little hands together.
“And even as I wander,
I’m keeping you in sight.” Dean sang loudly and poorly.
“You’re a candle in the wind,
On a cold, dark winter’s night.
And I’m getting closer than I ever thought I might.” He laughed.
“And I can’t fight this feeling anymore.
I’ve forgotten what I started fighting for.
It’s time to bring this ship into the shore,
And throw away the oars, forever.” Singing straight to his daughter, wiggling his eyebrows and she giggled.
He sighed, looking at his little girl who was dancing in her booster seat, her blonde, curly hair bouncing around her shoulders.
“Baby, I can’t fight this feeling anymore.” He finished. “That was you’re Mom’s and my song did you know that? That’s first song we ever listened to together. She liked it but I thought it was stupid at the time.” Dean grinned. “What do you think?”
“I like it Daddy. I like when you sing it Daddy. It’s funny.” She giggled.
“Yeh I’ll bet” he laughed.
As soon as Samantha started school Dean thought she was then old enough to learn about cars. He started teaching her different types of cars by pointing them out in Bobby’s car yard. He then taught her the different parts of the Impala under the hood and how to fix her up if she had a problem. Small things first, just like when he taught Sam.
“So what’s this thing here?” He asked her for the third time one afternoon after school.
Her forehead crinkled up in concentration “Carburetor”.
“Alright! Good job baby girl” Dean smiled. She learned quickly he was pleased to find and the older she got the more interest she had. He had really lucked out with this one. Imagine if he, Dean Winchester, the guy with a GED in a give em hell attitude ended up having a girl who liked to play with barbie dolls and listen to pop music.
He shuddered to think.
Instead she liked to draw pictures of cars and listen to her Daddy’s classic rock. Her favorites at the time were AC/DC and Def Leppard because they were always loud and fun he assumed. He eased her into the greats like his favourite, Led Zeppelin, when she was a little older so she would appreciate the music more. The intricacies of Jimmy Pages’ guitar solo’s and the awesomeness that was Bonzo.
He never forced these things on her. Unlike Dean who was shoved unceremoniously into this life by Yellow Eyes and the following actions of his father he wanted her to have a different life. He didn’t want her to feel like she couldn’t decide who she wanted to be. He would never forgive himself if she grew up to resent him like he did his father sometimes.
For her 10th birthday Dean let her pick out a car from Bobby’s lot with his permission. Dean promised Samantha that he would help her fix it up so she would one day have a baby of her own just like he had the Impala.
What Dean didn’t tell her of course was that the Impala would be hers one day she just needed one for the meantime. She picked out a beat up but still in workable condition 1968 Dodge Charger.
“That one Dad” she said pointing to it.
It was a really good find in a yard like Bobby’s. He was so proud of her in that moment that actually had tears in his eyes.
“You sure? Do want to keep lookin and see if there’s -”
“That one” she repeated in the tone her mother used to get when she was determined. Her eyes were shining with glee. Dean recognized the look since that’s how he looked when he was staring at the Impala.
“Well then, we’ve got work to do” Dean smirked to himself clapping on his daughter’s shoulder.
She looked up at him with a big toothy smile and hugged him around the middle.
The fix up went slowly at first since Dean was the only one working on her. Samantha was still a bit young to really lend a hand. Bobby helped sometimes when he wasn’t on a job. But between Dean’s job at the mechanics down the road, hunting on the side and Samantha’s school it was hard to do a lot of work at once. However, the good thing about working on the car in a place like Bobby’s was that he had all the tools he needed and there were spare parts all over the place.
They basically had to re-do the entire engine which took a several months but it was a good chance for Samantha to learn all the ins and outs of her car. She kept surprising Dean with her adeptness every time he gave her a task.
Once they had re-built the engine and gave the body a bit of TLC the Dodge really started to look like a car. They listened to Dean’s ‘greatest hits of mullet rock’ cassette tapes as Sam used to called them while they worked on it together. Every now and then Dean looked at Samantha working under the hood and would think of Jo and how proud she’d be to see her little girl working on a car, especially one as sweet as this.